The 10 Best Foods at Taco Bell

The 10 Best Foods at Taco Bell

Taco Bell is a fantastic fast food restaurant, and the perfect spot if you need to feed a family of 4 on $5. Unrivaled as late night drinking food, or hangover morning food, or whenever I’m hungry food, Taco Bell has been a major part of my life. And as a man who once spent $36 there in one sitting, I feel it would only be appropriate for me to rank the best foods of Taco Bell.

 

10) Taco

Mostly real.

Mostly real.

Taco Bell tacos are really nothing special. They’re cheap, and you can put a lot of fire sauce on them.

9) Double Decker Taco          

tumblr_ljs62vjtCo1qbdwnro1_400

A taco with a coat! So cute.

This is essentially just a poor man’s Cheesy Gordita Crunch, with refried beans holding together the softshell and hard shell instead of cheese. But it’s cheap, tasty, and good for you if you just count the beans and lettuce.

8) Chicken Burrito

Only 89 fucking cents?! Africa, I'm coming.

Only 89 cents?! Someone call UNICEF. I’ve solved world hunger.

Usually, when I’ve already ordered 4 items, I like to have a healthy option to add in as well. The chicken burrito is pretty basic, not actually healthy, and will definitely still give you diarrhea. However, in my mind, it’s health food, and I feel better about myself afterwards if I have one. 

7) ½ lb Cheesy Potato Burrito

I put a picture of Taco Johns' Potato Oles instead. Because if you haven't had them, you are a second class human being as far as I'm concerned.

I put a picture of Taco John’s Potato Oles instead. Because if you haven’t had them, you are a second class human being as far as I’m concerned.

There is not a Taco John’s close by, which is a tragedy, but the ½ lb Cheesy Potato Burrito helps me to vaguely remember the joy of Potato Oles, and that’s the greatest gift any item at Taco Bell can give.

6) Triple Steak Flatbread

FIVE of them.

FIVE of them.

Okay, so this was a special item on the menu that no longer exists, or rather, it doesn’t exist until Taco Bell brings it back as a “Super XL Grilled Steak Beast Mode Box”, but it was pretty good, and most importantly, it was the major item that helped me achieve my $36 tab at Taco Bell. Being drunk and having one mission at the end of the night – to eat as much food as possible – I decided to order 6 of these, a Mexican Pizza, a Cheesy Gordita Crunch, and a milk. Little did I know that they were huge, and $5 a piece. Yes, I ate all of it. Over the course of 3 days.

5) Mexican Pizza

Pictured: Not Mexican.

Pictured: Not Mexican.

For some reason I was always scared of ordering the Mexican Pizza. I have no idea why, but I got drunk one night and decided to try it, which is how I try most new things. And IT IS FANTASTIC.

4) Doritos Locos Taco (any flavor)

Doritos-Locos-Tacos

Over 500 million sold! Statistically speaking, that is at least 500 million less than it should be.

Hidden within this article is this gem, “The third attribute was almost a deal-breaker. Doritos are triangles, but triangles don’t make good taco shells.” The most no-brainer combination of foods in the history of every history ever almost didn’t happen because some dipshit corporate executive thought the Doritos brand might be harmed by the taco not being in the shape of a goddamned triangle.

If the Doritos Locos Taco encapsulates everything that is good and pure about America, and it does, the story of how the Doritos Locos Taco almost didn’t come to be encapsulates everything that is wrong with America. Now, about the tacos themselves, the Nacho Cheese is slightly better than the Cooler Ranch, but when I’m in a pinch and need to eat 8 tacos, either one will do.

3) Chalupa

Chalupas

Left: Real Chalupa. Right: Delicious.

Do you know what a real chalupa is? It is NOTHING like a Taco Bell chalupa. It’s basically just a flat taco shell with a bunch of taco shit on it, and it is terrible compared to the Taco Bell Chalupa. I want to know the story behind them naming it a chalupa, “Uh, I’ve got an idea – deep fried gordita shell.” “Genius! What should we call it?” “How about deep fried gordita?” “BORING, let’s call it a chalupa. That’s a thing in Mexico, right?”

2) Crunchwrap Supreme        

Pictured: The Food Pyramid.

It’s a beautiful thing.

The Crunchwrap Supreme IS the food pyramid. Not that I know what the hell the food pyramid even looks like anymore, but you’ve got your tortilla and hard shell for grains, sour cream and cheese for dairy, tomatoes and lettuce for fruits and veggies, beef for your protein, and TONS of fats and oils. It is perfect.

1) Cheesy Gordita Crunch

There was a time this item was discontinued at Taco Bell. It was the darkest period of my life.

There was a time this item was discontinued at Taco Bell. It was the darkest period of my life.

Let me pitch something to you. You like tacos, right? Perfect. How about we take that taco, and add some ranch. Still with me? Of course you are, the only people who hate ranch are lying. Now, we’re gonna take that taco and wrap it in a BIGGER TACO. But how will they stay together you ask? Glue? Toothpicks? The stuff that makes envelopes work? No, a whole goddamn pizza’s worth of cheese, that’s how. We are using melted cheese as our glue because we are CULINARY GENIUSES. I’ll have 6 please.