Never Been Kissed

“Never Been Kissed” is a 1999 romantic comedy beloved by many, even inspiring Peter Travers of Rolling Stone to praise the film as “relatively inoffensive and relentlessly mediocre.” Let’s take a look.

Summary:

Josie Geller (Drew Barrymore) is a bright, but socially retarded half functioning adult working at the Chicago Sun Times as a copy editor, who dreams of becoming a reporter. When she’s offered the opportunity of her lifetime to go undercover at the local high school, cause fuck it why not, she is elated, until she is reminded of her own dreadful high school experience by her brother Rob (David Arquette). Naturally, on her first day at South Glen South High School, home of the sluttiest dressed high schoolers in the nation, she does not fit in. Mostly because her 10 years out of high school haven’t taught her anything about how to interact in society.

She does manage to make one friend, Aldys (Leelee Sobieski), who is potentially the most attractive least popular girl in school of all time. It’s clichéd by now, but it’s still pretty funny to see the glasses and pony tail girl in EVERY one of these movies. Though, to be fair, she does look way worse in glasses and a ponytail. Anyway, Josie also feels a potential connection with one of her teachers, Sam Coulson (Michael Vartan), based mostly on the fact that they are both familiar with Shakespeare.

When her boss Augustus “Gus” Strauss (John C. Reilly), sees a rival paper scoop the story about where the popular kids hang out, “The Court”, he orders Josie to become friends with the popular girls because this is what major Chicago newspapers are depending on. Josie is anxious about trying to befriend the popular girls, but her brother is able to convince her that this is her chance to start fresh, and what do you know? The perfect opportunity arises when she overhears the most popular boy in school, Guy (Jeremy Jordan), who’s almost certainly wearing eyeliner the entire movie, talking about going to go see a band playing at a nearby bar.

So she heads to the bar looking to make a new name for herself, and appears to catch a break when she accidentally consumes a pot brownie and proceeds to act nothing at all like people do on pot, but it does make her popular for the night, proving once again that drugs DO make you cool. Full of confidence, Josie struts into school, only to find the kids laughing at her for having “loser” imprinted on her forehead, due to sleeping on her hand that was stamped with “loser”, the hand stamp the bar gave to those under 21. As Josie breaks down in the bathroom, she remembers back to the pain of her high school crush improbably asking her to the prom, only to drive by her house with his real date just to throw an egg at her, completing the least elaborate waste of time dick move of all time.

Luckily, her brother also decides to fake his way into South Glen South High School, apparently the EASIEST high school to enroll at, in order to help his sister become popular. Back in his element, he’s able to make Josie popular, mostly by making up how many guys she slept with. So remember, drugs and sex are ALWAYS cool. With her new status as popular girl, she is given the incredibly important task of coming up with a new prom theme when the neighboring high school steals their super awesome theme of “the millennium”, a theme approximately every single other high school in the nation is also using. Nevertheless, she is able to come up with an even shittier theme that everybody embraces anyway, “Famous Couples Throughout History”.

So, as Josie enjoys her popularity, Aldys pouts in the corner, but nobody cares, cause she’s unpopular, and Sam begins developing feelings for Josie because she needs to have a love interest that isn’t 17 years old. Josie is conflicted because she is developing the same feelings, as Sam is pretty hot, but she can’t let loose her secret that she’s actually a 25 year old reporter. Meanwhile, sensing the chemistry, Gus tells Josie to pursue the romance, then turn around and report it, as a teacher coming onto a supposed 17 year old would be a huge story. This subplot is pretty much dropped immediately after it is suggested because the movie is almost over, and there’s no time for added conflict.

Come prom time, the theme actually turns out to be pretty cool cause fuck you, I can change my mind if I want, and Josie is voted prom queen. However, when she becomes aware of the popular girls’ plot to throw dog food on Aldys because high schoolers are the worst, she interferes, and delivers a speech about being nice or something. Most importantly, she outs herself as a 25 year old reporter, and her brother as a 23 year old, and the police are called to investigate. Ha, just kidding! No one cares, and everyone just continues dancing. Except Sam. Sam is no longer attracted to her now that he knows she’s not actually 17. Or because she lied to him, and made him think he was attracted to a 17 year old. I don’t know, one of the two. Love is complicated.

Gus is convinced Josie has ruined the story by blowing her cover, but, unfazed, Josie vows to give him one. The incredible story she ends up writing captivates the city of Chicago detailing how, yeah, high school is exactly the same as you remember it. Also, that she has a crush on this guy, and hopes he likes her too. But, unfortunately, he was her teacher, and he thought she was 17, but it’s cool now cause she’s actually 25. Anyway, everyone should come to a random high school baseball game and watch her wait for 5 minutes for this guy to show up and kiss her because she’s Never Been Kissed!

Everyone in the greater Chicago area shows up at the game because they need an excuse to get out of the house, and Josie waits anxiously. As the 5 minutes tick down, it starts to become apparent that Sam isn’t showing up. The clock hits zero, and, dejected, Josie prepares to leave, when out of nowhere Sam comes running down the bleachers! I mean, personally, punctuality is kind of a dealbreaker, but whatever, Josie gets her first kiss, Rob gets to be an assistant coach on the baseball team, and somehow no one goes to jail.

Reaction:

I am not a fan of Drew Barrymore. I consider her number 1 ranking in 2007 People’s Most Beautiful List a national travesty, coming in somewhere between Lincoln’s assassination and Pearl Harbor. So, you could say a Drew Barrymore movie is a tough sell for me. However, I did enjoy 50 First Dates, and one time I saw a picture of her that she looked pretty good in, so there’s that.

I didn’t hate it. But I can’t call myself a fan of the film either. I am a sucker for every cliché and manufactured romance, no matter how outlandish, and goddammit, I couldn’t help but smile when Sam started running down the bleachers towards Josie (I like seeing people fall in love, okay?), BUT, you have to sell the romance. I don’t care how they meet, what drives them apart, how they get back together, but when they’re together, there has to be some sort of chemistry, something resembling real life when two people hit it off, something that shows that these two people get along. I mean, first off, the initial sparks happen when Sam is under the impression that Josie is a teenager, which, whatever, it’s a movie, and she’s actually 25, so we’ll call it…morally questionable. The problem this creates is that it’s tough to develop a believable romance when one character believes it’s illegal, and the other is incredibly uninteresting and unattractive.

I mean, “sparks fly” when Josie recites a romantic verse from Shakespeare she memorized, and as far as I can tell, that’s all it takes for love at first sight for Sam, and shit, he’s pretty hot, so Josie likes him too. They then continue to have about 2-3 awkward conversations lasting a total of 45 seconds cause, even if it’s just a movie, how is Sam supposed to develop a believable romance with what he believes to be a 17 year old student? And on top of that, an incredibly awkward 17 year old student who acts incredibly awkward when they talk, because she is an incredibly awkward person. So yes, there are obstacles to this romance. Namely, them having no connection. Since I was never invested in their romance, the payoff was ultimately empty, and I cannot fully endorse a movie that isn’t able to manipulate me into an uncontrollable, sobbing baby bitch.

With all that said, I think the movie was just entertaining enough to watch, particularly due to David Arquette as Rob, and one of the guys from 2GETHER as a random jock. The former displaying such a good amount of easy going charisma that you couldn’t help but like the guy, even if he’s a 23 year old pretending to be in high school so he could feel cool again, and the latter barely having any lines, yet being hilarious in every scene he was in. It’s really the supporting cast, and the goofiness happening outside or tangent to the main romantic storyline that makes the movie enjoyable, while the feature characters (Josie and Sam) and storylines drag and miss the mark. Taken as a whole, the movie never takes itself too seriously, and is good for a few legit laughs, but the story and romance are just too punchless for Never Been Kissed to be any more investing than a lazy Sunday afternoon cable movie.

Random Thoughts:

•  At this point, I should point out that there were also some other people in this movie that were COMPLETELY useless, and they lived happily ever after, or not, but nobody cares.
•  Sam’s girlfriend has to be the most easily dispatched girlfriend of all time. “Hey, this is my girlfriend. She wants me to move to New York or some shit. She gets no more screentime.”
•  Everyone was SUPER excited with the millennium theme, as if it was the greatest thing that had ever happened to the high school, and then SUPER upset when the neighboring high school that we never see or hear from again, steals the theme. I just. What?
•  Seriously, I want to reiterate, the guy Josie had a crush on in high school took the time and effort to trick a girl into thinking she was going to the prom with him, just so he could throw an egg at her and ruin her life. I’m actually a little impressed with the sheer audacity and commitment to being a total dick.
• James Franco is in this for like 5 seconds, and one of the popular girls is an unrecognizable Jessica Alba.
•  Rob, 23 years old, didn’t even use a last name to enroll, dates a 16 year old, and led his high school baseball team to state. He is rewarded with an assistant coaching job at the end of the movie. I’m not sure if that’s how it works in the real world.
  
•  Josie’s 25, already successful, and mid-career. This is the most unbelievable portion of the movie.
•  Josie: “That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time.” Damn, pretty good line. It’s also the most coherent thing Josie says for at least an hour.
•  In the end, the story becomes the most expensive waste of time this paper has ever done, and is the single reason the whole newspaper industry shut down.

NEXT UP: YOU’VE GOT MAIL