Popeyes Turkey: A Review

Popeyes is a fantastic fried chicken fast food restaurant, which you either already know, or I’ll say a prayer for your soul. Regardless, a few years ago I found out Popeyes sells turkeys around Thanksgiving time, and I knew it was only a matter of time before I bought one.

However, I usually have Thanksgiving at my grandma’s house with my extended family. And naturally, my grandma makes the turkey along with about 8 different pies and 30 different sides, so I’ve never had the opportunity to try the Popeyes version. But as fate would have it, this year I found myself all alone, thousands of miles away from my family, with the perfect excuse to throw down $45 on my very own turkey.

I thought to myself, “Tim, this is going to be good. This Popeyes turkey will be a great substitution for family, love, togetherness, etc.” I was hyped. I took a look at my magnificent new friend, and said, “Turkey” – that’s the name I gave my turkey – “You’re my best friend.”

The Popeyes turkey comes fully cooked, and all you have to do is thaw it out and throw it in the oven. Perfect. Solo Thanksgiving would be a big hit in the Tim Bayer household this year. The only question left was, would it be any good? I put it to the test. Per instructions, I preheated the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.

I put the turkey in a turkey pan, and set the timer for 90 minutes.

Granted, I was supposed to thaw it out for 2-4 days in the refrigerator, but it was too late for that. One day of thawing would have to do. I covered the turkey in foil and tossed it in the oven. With 90 minutes to myself, I took the time to prepare some stuffing and gravy.

That took 5 minutes. Rookie move Tim, rookie move. With about 85 minutes to go, I sat and pondered my solo Thanksgiving. While I missed my family, at least I wouldn’t have to deal with any political conversation, amiright? No, I wasn’t amiright. My family is actually very respectful about dissenting opinions and talks through differences.

Monsters. How will Twitter ever respect me with that kind of attitude? If I’ve learned anything over the past year, it’s that respectful discourse is to be hated and empty, pithy retorts are to be praised.  Maybe I had to become the disruptive asshole for next Thanksgiving. Be the change you wish to see in your Twitter likes. I decided to work on becoming a worse person. About 80 minutes later, I prepped the cutting board.

The timer went off. My beautiful turkey was ready.

No it wasn’t. I stuck a fork in it to test the temperature. The end of the fork was…not warm. Add 30 minutes. Then another 30 when that didn’t work. And then another 10 for broiling.

Perfect! I had successfully reheated food in the oven. Then I realized something. I’ve never carved a turkey before. My grandma always does that, and now I have no idea how to. Thanks a lot Grandma. Family is the worst. I asked Griffey. He was no help.

Bad dog. Thankfully, a 3 minute tutorial on the internet later, and I was ready to go. See, I didn’t need family, or togetherness, or love. I was just fine on my own. I carved the shit out of that turkey, but I didn’t take a picture of it in case I did it wrong and you’d make fun of me. Now, it was time for the moment of truth.

The turkey was delicious. I’m not gonna use a thesaurus to string a bunch of words together that mean “tastes good”. You know what a turkey tastes like. It tastes like a good one of those. With the meat as warm and tender as a family’s love, I thought to myself, “I’m not lonely.” 

How could I be lonely with such a delicious turkey? I finished my meal and had myself a well earned drink. Ya know, it was really okay that I didn’t go home for Thanksgiving. I proved to myself that I was self-sufficient. I conquered a pre-cooked turkey. I didn’t need family. I was a self-made man. And I was proud. This Thanksgiving was empowering. Thanks Popeyes.

Popeyes Turkey: 4 Stars.

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