Previously: Rewatching: The Lion King
11:36– The opening lyrics to “Arabian Nights”
“Oh I come from a land, from a faraway place
Where the caravan camels roam
Where they cut off your ear
If they don’t like your face
It’s barbaric, but hey, it’s home.”
Now, I’m not saying Aladdin is the sole reason the Middle East hates us. But it is.
11:37 – Haven’t seen Aladdin in forever, and in between the last time I saw it and now, I read a theory that the story of Aladdin is all just the traveling lamp salesman making up the story to try and sell you a lamp. And sure enough, that really is the entire premise of the movie.
11:39 – So, Jafar…
11:45 – Aladdin steals a loaf of bread, then sings a wonderfully choreographed song while evading some guys with swords, and finally deciding to give up his hard earned bread to some whining orphan kids. What a waste of choreography.
11:47 – Aladdin is awfully clean for a homeless man that lives with a monkey.
11:48 – Aladdin, to his sentient monkey: “Someday we’ll be rich, live in a palace, and never have any problems at all.” Oh Aladdin, you naïve child.
11:49 – We cut to the palace where the Sultan is bringing in suitors for Jasmine, who by law, is to be married in 3 days. I wanna stop right here and mention that Jasmine is turning 16 in this movie. Just so we’re clear, this movie is about a homeless person who uses his lamp and a monkey to make a 15 year old fall in love with him.
11:49 – Jasmine owns a tiger. I really don’t think tigers can be domesticated.
11:49 – Jasmine: “If I’m going to marry, I want it to be for love.” Well maybe don’t wait until 3 days before you’re supposed to get married then.
11:50 – Sultan: “Jafar, my most trusted advisor!” How is Jafar ever your must trusted advisor?!
11:53 – So, upset with her billion dollar palace life, Jasmine sneaks out to venture into the marketplace and immediately almost gets her hand cut off, which really, should have happened. THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR LIVING SO LARGE WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IS SO POOR THEY HAVE TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH MONKEYS. Anyway, Aladdin saves her, and we cut back to Aladdin’s nest, where jesus, get a job.
11:57 – Aladdin has no shower, no toilet, no change of clothes, and lives with a monkey that has rabies. Jasmine: “Nice abs. Let’s make out.”
12:03 – The men with swords finally catch up to Aladdin and throw him in jail for capturing the princess as well as violating about 16 public health codes. It’s here that Aladdin meets a disguised Jafar, who shows him a way out if he promises to go fetch a magic lamp. Aladdin agrees and Jafar leads him to a giant lion head that rises out of the sand, to which I would offer a “fuck this, I’m out”, but Aladdin goes in anyway.
12:08 – So, with the orders to touch nothing but the lamp, Abu decides to go touch the extra forbidden gem, which pisses off the dumb sentient sand lion and causes him to take the next 5 minutes to leisurely self destruct. There’s some sort of lesson here about selfishness and greed and don’t take more than you need, but that lion’s a hoarder and needs to learn how to share.
12:11 – Aladdin and Abu, using the magic carpet I didn’t mention, nearly fly to safety, but Jafar betrays Aladdin and drops them into the giant sand lion pit. Unfortunately for Jafar, his plans are foiled when Abu snatches the magic lamp at the last moment.
12:12 – We cut to Aladdin, the magic carpet, and Abu trapped with no way out. So, with nothing better to do, Aladdin jerks off the lamp and the genie explodes everywhere.
12:13 – My top 3 wishes as a child
1) World Peace (BORING)
2) Unlimited Money (Smart)
3) Unlimited Tokens at Chuck E Cheese (A little shortsighted, but legit)
12:16 – Aladdin snakes a wish from the genie using the old, “Oh yeah? Prove it.” technique currently sporting a 100% success rate in middle schools across the country, and the genie gets them out of the sand pit.
12:17 – The three wishes Genie can’t grant (besides wishing for more wishes): bring someone back from the dead, make someone fall in love with you, make someone die. And definitely not in that order.
12:17 – How does someone who clocks in at 4’6 become sultan?
12:20 – Aladdin asks the genie what he’d wish for, and he says “freedom”. The genie would wish for freedom. BORING. Wish to live in America instead. Boom. America. Freedom.
12:23 – Hey Aladdin, here’s a better wish: “I wish to be the best pro athlete in America.” There, money, all the women and fame you could ever want, you still have two wishes, AND Jafar doesn’t try to kill you.
12:26 – Aladdin, stuck on trying to hook up with a 15 year old, decides not to take my advice and wishes to become a prince instead, and the genie grants him a giant parade. Does anybody not notice the genie morphing into 16 different people? I mean, everyone in the city(? State? Country? Arabia?) is watching. Someone HAS to notice. Right? Right?
12:28 – Okay, how does Jafar not recognize that this new prince looks EXACTLY like the street rat he JUST met, hours ago. He has a shirt on. That is the ONLY difference.
12:34 – A magic carpet ride across Africa should be game, set, and match. Plus, Aladdin sings like an angel. There is no need for the rest of the movie.
12:38 – Wish #2, “I Wish Jafar Was Nice”. There, done. Happily ever after.
12:41 – Jafar kidnaps Aladdin and throws him into the ocean so that he can marry Jasmine, who is at least 40 years younger. However, Jafar doesn’t realize that Aladdin, disguised as Prince Ali, has the magic lamp, and Genie decides to use Aladdin’s second wish to rescue him. Without even asking. So rude. Anyway, Aladdin returns and exposes Jafar and his evil plot to marry a teenager and take over the throne. The Sultan, the man trusted to lead an entire city state, didn’t see Jafar’s betrayal coming.
12:43 – Oh, NOW you realize the prince who looks just like the guy you left to die in a cave with a magic lamp is the same guy.
12:48 – Jafar steals the magic lamp from Aladdin and becomes Genie’s new master. Jafar’s wishes are much smarter. Make me Sultan. Make me the most powerful sorcerer in the world. He gets to the point, he should win.
12:50 – Nevermind, I take that back. Massive oversight banishing Aladdin AND his magical flying carpet that can travel across Africa in a single montage. Poor foresight there. Next time just kill him with your powers or turn him into a box or something.
12:58 – Jafar is now an all powerful sorcerer and Aladdin is a poor person who doesn’t own a shirt, yet, Jafar decides he must become a genie in order to defeat him. Clearly Aladdin and Jafar do not think their wishes through.
12:59 – So, now, because Arabia is racist towards genies, he also gets a lamp and a master, and Aladdin wins. Aladdin gets the girl, even though none of her other suitors were compulsive liars, almost accidentally murdered her, or poor.
1:01 – Aladdin, with one wish left (though it feels closer to 5 by this point) grants Genie his freedom. Genie takes this opportunity to GTFO. Where the hell does Genie go? He just says he’s free and disappears. It’s not like he has any friends he can go stay with. And why does he still have magical powers? How do you get to be a genie in the first place?
Next Up: Rewatching: Pocahontas