Road Trip Rankings, Volume 1: Gas Station Bathrooms, Culver’s, and More

Everybody loves road trips (besides kids, parents, people who don’t love road trips, etc—but we’re just gonna gloss over that). Whether it be with friends or family, a good road trip lets you see parts of the country you’d never see otherwise, enjoy various terrible-for-you food options, and make incredible memories like driving the coast on a picturesque summer day, seeing a desert sunrise, or getting an ear infection on your way to Disney World when you’re 5.

In this ongoing series, I will venture to rank road trip experiences. This isn’t meant to be all-encompassing, this is a ranking of great road trip things I did and/or observed on each road trip. And everything’s fair game to get ranked. Food, highway attractions, scenery, bathrooms, etc. They’re all a part of one of the greatest vacation pastimes, and they all deserve their moment. So let’s get into it.

7) Shitty Hotel Room Coffee

I mean no disrespect here. I LOVE shitty hotel room coffee made with questionable bathroom sink water. It’s not good, but it is great. It’s kind of like a light beer at a tailgate. It’s the right beverage for the right situation. It doesn’t taste good, but the vibes are right on. You’re a little disoriented being in a random hotel room in a random city, but the caffeine hits you in just a way to get you ready and excited for the day ahead.

6) The Mississippi River

There are more impressive shots of the Mississippi, but I wanna take the time to focus on how impressive this river really is. This Mississippi varies from 20-30 feet to 11 miles across. Its widest navigable section is approximately 2 miles. This river is HUGE. I don’t care how dumb I sound dorking out over this. This is a big river, and both water and big things are cool. 

5) Cheetos and Red Bull

Moving on from a natural wonder of the world to something just as amazing, the go-to road trip snack. Everyone has one, and this is mine. Sometimes I’ll order the supreme version (adding a beef stick), but there’s something about this combination that I look forward to. The caffeine from a chemically enhanced abomination to get through the ensuing leg of the journey plus a bag of delicious chemically engineered affronts to God. It feels like freedom. And that’s what a road trip is all about.

4) Culvers

Everyone knows that calories don’t count on vacation, so I always take advantage of road trips to eat whatever I want. As previously written, Culver’s is fantastic. So, for lunch, I got a lot of Culver’s and felt amazing. Thanks road trip.

3) Kwik Trip Bathroom

When you go on enough road trips, you start to recognize which gas stations have the best bathrooms. And while a derelict gas station off the side of the highway with piss on the seat and possibly shit on the walls make for a good story, a nice clean bathroom with stalls that don’t have that gap in them letting everyone see you shit makes for a much better overall experience. Kwik Trip is one of the gas stations that have dependably good dumpers, and that’s very important for morale. 

2) New Rooms

Whether it’s just another hotel room or a basic two bedroom apartment gussied up by an Airbnb listing as a modern oasis in the heart of it all, my reaction is always “oh wow, this is nice”. I’ve said this entering an Econo Lodge off the highway overlooking a parking lot and a Casey’s gas station. But the window was big and the sun was shining in, and you know what? It WAS nice. Sometimes it really is just nice to be in a different place in a (probably? possibly?) clean room. When you walk into one of these rooms, all the everyday stress leaves you as you get to just relax in your modern oasis. 

1) The Journey and the Destination

Oh, you thought this was going to be a joke? No. This is going to be 100% uncut earnestness. The whole point of road trips is to enjoy the time you spend with each other on a longer, drawn out journey. It may be boring at times, but you’re with people you love spending time with. Stupid conversations, stupid in-jokes that you remember way longer than you should, stupid stretches of nothingness for hours and hours. You see, a road trip is like a river. Ever flowing towards its destination, full of sights, adventure, and chemicals. It’s a beautiful thing.

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