A Lifetime Movie Marathon To Remember: 4 Movies, A "Bottle" of Wine, and A Deadly Adoption

A Lifetime Movie Marathon To Remember: 4 Movies, A “Bottle” of Wine, and A Deadly Adoption


HOT DOG PIZZA

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Yes, I ordered cheese. Fuck you.

It’s a weird thing eating Pizza Hut’s pizza with hot dogs in the crust. I bite into the pizza and am pumped to be eating pizza. Then I get to the crust, which is usually one of my favorite parts, but now it’s different. It’s hot dogs encased in pretzel dough. It’s a whole new meal experience, and I have to adjust accordingly.

It’s good. But I also wish it was an Auntie Anne’s pretzel dog instead. The Auntie Anne’s pretzel dog is something to be dreamt of in the wettest of wet dreams (that’s when you have like, a really good dream). If this pizza were Pizza Hut’s normal pizza plus Auntie Anne’s pretzel dogs in the dough, I would never order another thing from anywhere else ever. As it stands though, it was pretty solid. I probably won’t order it sober ever, but I will give it a thumbs up regardless.

It’s also since been discontinued, for now anyway. Which is a shame that I didn’t get this out sooner because my sterling review probably would have increased sales and single-handedly saved Pizza Hut from ruin. But that’s my cross to bear.

Deadly Revenge

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I’ll revenge you for making my mom cry.

Once sentence summary

Girl falls in love, almost dies, kills someone else instead.

Full Summary

Time: ?
Wine Level

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Halfway. But not halfway. Disappointing.

The movie starts out with a voiceover, “I’m just a girl that fell in love.”

3 months earlier

A woman orders a nonfat latte to go. Let’s call her Nonfat for now. She meets a guy during this order, and he, guess what! Works at the same building! No way!

The guy goes into a meeting where they’re waiting on a Kathryn. Turns out, you’ll never believe it, but it’s Nonfat! Her real name is Kate. I’m still calling her Nonfat.

She fantasizes about him while the meeting goes on.

Not subtle.

Not subtle.

She sees him afterwards and he immediately asks her to dinner afterwards. Then tries to play it off as a work thing. This movie is getting to the point and I like it.

She goes to meet him at his place instead of a restaurant or anything, and his apartment costs about 8 million dollars a month. They’re going to fall in love. She finds a picture of a beautiful woman, who is actually his mother. Which is weird. They have drinks. She asks why a guy who cooks like that isn’t married. Is that really all it takes? Cause if so, I’m a pretty decent cook. Not great at most other things, but if you really loved me, you could look past that.

She calls her friend the next day who assures her, it was a date. In case it wasn’t clear that he invited her over to his place, then cooked for her in an intimate setting. Anyway, she continues on to a meeting the next day with the same guy. And almost makes out with him afterwards. But she gets a phone call and uses it as an excuse to leave. Except, the door is locked! I’ve never had a door lock from the inside, but who am I to question a movie?

The guy can’t open it either, so it looks like they have to hang out for awhile. Security isn’t even there to pick up! Uh oh. The guy tries to throw a chair through the door, but he’s not strong enough. Red flag. So they have to hang out.

NO I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU GUY I'VE ALREADY HAD SEX WITH

NO I DON’T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU GUY I DREAM ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH

“This is the universe saying, maybe you shouldn’t leave LA.” “My mom just always said, everything happens for a reason.” “My mom died when I was 10.” They’re going to have sex.

They bond. The security guard still isn’t doing his job. “I think we’re here for a reason.” They make out. “I’m so glad you missed that flight.” They have sex. I am great at this.

The sun comes up. They wake up in their clothes after clearly having sex. “Who cares if we just met? We’ll figure out the details later.” As a newly minted expert in Lifetime movies, somebody’s getting murdered. The security officer finally does his job and finds them.

“Don’t fall too hard too fast”, says his mother. He’s gonna fall too hard too fast. The girl decides she’s gonna go live in his city. He’s smart, he loves his mother, and he loves to cook. Sounds good to me. Getting a job, being independent, surviving. These are all secondary concerns.

They go on a love vacation to his old place, which is a mansion somewhere. And his mom’s there. His mom looks murderous. I BET SHE’S THE KILLER.

Pretty clear here.

Probably.

He says, “I know we’ve been taking it slow.” You brought her to your childhood home out of state. And had sex with her already. What do you define taking it slow as? Then Mom comes in and congratulates them on getting engaged. She thinks her son proposed. It’s been like 2 days. Then she freaks out and almost has a heart attack. This is my kind of Lifetime movie.

Apparently the mom had some news. They found a lump in her breast and she’s scared. She is like 70, so I mean, is it really that big of a surprise? Nonfat and the guy have sex anyway. She offers to take care of this guy’s mom. After about 1 date. Clearly her biological clock is ticking.

Then they get engaged, maybe? She kinda says, well, were you gonna ask me to marry you? And he says, uh, I don’t know, then she says, yeah, I’ll marry you. And so they’re getting married maybe.

Nonfat hangs out with Mom in the morning. Nonfat reveals that her mom had an accident and died when she was young. MAYBE SHE’S THE KILLER. No, this mom is probably the killer.

Uh oh, Nonfat sees a picture of a cute woman. PROBABLY THE SECRET WIFE. Cut to commercial. There aren’t really commercials cause I’m watching this on YouTube, but I’m trying to give you a feel for the suspense I’m supposed to be feeling.

Guy’s in Japan now. I BET HE’S SEEING HIS SECRET MISTRESS. DRAMATIC MUSIC, SHE WANTS TO KILL HIM I BET.

Nonfat is holding down the massive home, and taking care of the mother. They’re gonna watch a romantic movie together. They talk about something I wasn’t listening to, then the mother says, “He never told you about Katie?” OH SHIT I KNEW IT. SECRET LOVER.

Very next scene, Nonfat says to the guy on the phone, “How come you never told me about Katie? You told me you made out in the bathroom, you never told me she disappeared.” He jumbles out some jumble salad, and she just drops it.

Back in Japan (still on the phone), dude says “Gotta go, somebody’s knocking on the door.” NOBODY WAS KNOCKING ON THE DOOR. He’s the murderer.

Back to Nonfat. She looks down at a pregnancy test. JUDGING BY THE MUSIC SHE’S PREGNANT. PROBABLY WITH SATAN. She’s still jealous about dead Katie. She called the guy’s hotel room and the phone just rang. No answer. She freaks out. Because it’s not like he could’ve been out of the room.

Dude comes home and they meet on a rooftop for some reason, and Nonfat decides she doesn’t want to marry him anymore. It might be a dream, but I’m also not paying very good attention. 

Nope. It wasn’t. THIS IS REAL. She says she called it off in a phone call to her friend. I don’t know why she’s still hanging out at dude’s mom’s house. This movie is the best.

Now Harrison (who’s the guy, and whose name I just picked up on) is at work. Some pretty good looking girl is talking to him and saying Nonfat called her, telling her to stop throwing herself at Harrison. So, you don’t want to marry him, but you don’t want anyone else to be with him either. Pretty selfish there. You know who else is selfish? Murderers.

Cut back to a phone conversation between Nonfat and a friend. Her friend says Nonfat has mercury poisoning because of her symptoms which weren’t mentioned or paid attention to by me. Nonfat says, if he was super close to his ex-girlfriend and she just vanishes, and he never mentioned her, then what should she think? PROBABLY THAT HE MURDERED HER.

They look this ex-girlfriend up.

THEN THEY FIND SOMETHING COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO THE EX-GIRLFRIEND BUT IT’S STILL EXCITING SO I’M TYPING IN ALL CAPS. HARRISON’S DAD DIED IN A DROWNING ACCIDENT THAT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN AN ACCIDENT. HE MUST HAVE KILLED HIS DAD.

NO WAIT. IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE MOTHER. THE MOTHER IS THE MURDERER. I SOLVED IT.

I knew it. Nonfat gets home, grabs her stuff and bolts. Still hasn’t been to the doctor.

Now Harrison is home and talking to his mom, and says he doesn’t understand why Nonfat left and the mom is all like “Trust your momma”. DON’T TRUST HER.

Nonfat decides to go back to the house. DON’T GO TO THE HOUSE. No wait, it’s not the house. It’s someone else’s house. The ex-girlfriend that died’s house. Apparently Harrison and the ex-girlfriend were the perfect couple. Then she died. (MURDERED). Nonfat says to the dead ex’s mother, “I loved even more than I even thought possible”. THEY MET FOR LIKE 2 DAYS. THEN SHE TOOK CARE OF HIS MOM. THAT’S NOT LOVE I DON’T THINK.

Now she’s taking a shower at her place and gets scared. She walks around scared thinking someone’s gonna murder her. But it’s cool, it’s just Harrison stalking her. Saying he loves her. And it’s cool. She’s still in a towel. They go to the bedroom and have sex. I still don’t think she’s been to a doctor for her mercury poisoning. PROCRASTINATION IS THE REAL MURDERER.

Nonfat goes in his closet, even though the last we saw of them they were at her place, and puts on his varsity jacket, and looks at some of his old photos. He catches her and freaks out.

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Letter jackets are stupid anyway. You’re stupid. I hate you. Let’s have sex.

Nothing happens. She wakes up the next morning at his place anyway. He apologizes.

She goes back to his mother’s place. If none of this is making sense, it’s because this movie doesn’t make sense. Apparently Nonfat made a big deal out of leaving, then went back like 5 minutes later? Harrison has his own place, but for some reason they hang out at the mother’s place all the time anyway? Ugh, how is there 20 minutes left in this movie?

Nonfat walks downstairs in a wedding dress. The mother offers to help her fix it up. They talk. SOMEONE MURDER SOMEONE ALREADY.

Nonfat says, “You haven’t lost your hair” to the mother. I should reiterate, the mother is supposed to have cancer at this point. The mother’s lying about her cancer. SHE’S THE MURDERER. 

Nonfat drops it and goes swimming. Then comes out and is dizzy. She runs into the poolboy who tells her to stay away from a certain bin that spilled because it’s dangerous and could make people dizzy. The pool boy says Harrison cleans the pool. She puts two and two together and thinks he might have poisoned the pool, so she runs away.

She calls her friend. NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT COPPER SULFATE POISONING. She definitely has copper sulfate poisoning. She decides to go back to catch him! Instead of the hospital. This is becoming a theme, and at this point, I’m not so sure I’ll feel bad for her when she dies.

So I should probably get this treated, right?

So I should probably get this treated, right?

No! You gotta go do research!

No! You gotta catch him before he has time to seduce another girl, date her for a few weeks, then slowly poison her over the course of a few more months.

Okay, bye.

Okay, bye.

Harrison comes home. Nonfat no longer suffers from adverse effects of the poisoning somehow. BUT SHE’S SUSPICIOUS. Everything’s cool. The mother lost all her hair now, so she must not be the murderer. Cancer’s the real killer.

Nonfat and Mother have a talk about Harrison. Mother says that after Katie (the ex-girlfriend) he was depressed, but he worked through it day by day. He just needed his momma. Nonfat says, “Do you think he felt responsible?” The mother says, “Yes”. Nonfat leaves because she has something to do.

She goes to see Katie’s mom again to ask a few more questions to prolong her pain of losing a child. Katie’s mom is gracious and answers. She says Katie always swam at Harrison’s pool. Harrison didn’t cause he’s deathly afraid of water. SMOKING GUN. THE MOTHER MUST BE THE MURDERER.

Instead of figuring this out like I did, Nonfat goes to the mother and tells her that her son is the murderer.

The mother, clearly the murderer, talks her down. Then embraces her. “Momma knows best.” The guilt is in her eyes. Nonfat starts figuring it out. IT WAS THE MOTHER. She needed flashbacks to figure it out, but sometimes so do I, so I can’t blame her. Some people are slower than others. AND OH FUCK. The mother hits her with a mallet. Then for some reason after the commercial break dresses her in a wedding gown.

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How could you?! I would NEVER wear this.

Now shit gets real. The mother starts duct taping Nonfat’s mouth. She’s gonna kill her. She really is. But wait. The guy, who has a name I forgot (Harrison), is coming home!

Mother starts doing…something. I don’t know. She’s a terrible murderer.  Then she starts throwing more poison in the pool in case the neighborhood kids wanna take a dip. Harrison is almost home. Mom starts panicking.  Somehow Nonfat already escaped. I don’t know how because I was barely paying attention. But it’s still dramatic because of the music.

Mother finds Nonfat in the driveway. Nonfat has a crowbar, Mother has a big knife. Harrison is on his way. Nonfat swings at Harrison for some reason. Mother almost kills Nonfat. And to be fair, she deserved it. Like, I mean, your savior comes, and you hit him with a crow bar? What the hell?

Nonfat runs, Mother chases after with a knife. They get to the pool. Nonfat ducks, Mother jumps over and falls into the pool SHE POISONED. Dies instantly. Even though Nonfat has been swimming in the very same pool for weeks—maybe months, I don’t know, the timeline isn’t very clear—and hasn’t even come close to dying. In fact, she hasn’t even felt the need to see a doctor, despite my numerous pleadings. Whatever, talk about karma. 

Then Nonfat and Harrison get re-engaged. LOL.

This movie’s plot was kind of like ordering a pizza. At first you’re really into the pizza, and you think you want the whole thing. Then after awhile of eating the pizza, you realize the pizza might not be exactly what you thought it was. So you start wondering if that pizza is trying to kill you, and you say “Why pizza? Why would you do this to me? I loved you.” But then it turns out it’s not the pizza that’s trying to kill you, it’s the hot dogs in the crust that it’s been living with this whole time. And by the time the hot dogs have you all tied up in the pool house, the only hope you have is that pizza comes back to rescue you.

 

A Deadly Adoption

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I’ll deadly adopt you! BURN

One sentence summary

Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig make a Lifetime movie because they’re awesome.

Full Summary

Time: I just, I don’t know.
Wine Level

That's better.

That’s still like, a whole liter left.

[Note: Look at the wine level above. What follows is a mostly un-edited account. Let’s try to make sense of it together!]

Will Ferrell is apparently named Robert.S

Okay, I love this already. Kristen Wiig, whose name I don’t know yet, calls out to her husband (Will Frrelll), and then breaks a dock and falls into the water. He rushes in slow-mo to save her, AND HE DOES. With a beautiful use of terrible first aid. Then the police comes. She’s in the hospital. But she’s okay, no matter what the music says.

Five years later. Shit. That’s a big jump. They don’t play around

WF (Will Ferrell. I apparently use these short-hands the rest of the way as typing gets more and more difficult) looks to his dwarer for alcohol. Decides no.

WF and KW give their daughter a bike. Daughter Is super pumped. I BET THE BIKE KILLS HER. Friend and Kristen Wiig talk, whose name is Sarah and also her husband (will Ferrell) stopped drinking too I guess, about the accident. I wanna know about the accident! They have a talk. And she knows an old fashioned secret about stress. SEX.

A hot woman comes in. I bet she’s the DEADLY ADOPTER. She’s just trying to get ou of her current living situation. She’s in a shelter, and doesn’t sleep very well. She just wants to give her baby a life. WF offers that B (The hot woman. Her name must have started with “B”) should stay with them. Griffey (my dog) did not agree.

Atractive girl shows up. She tears a magazine cover of the other two. Hot grl comes in to se Willl ferrelll. (He says) “It must be hard sometimes.” (I think he’s referring to being pregnant) “hard” he says. He mght be talking about hs penis. I love it. They go into a storage closet and feel feelings.

KW talks to her friend. Nbg (She says it’s no big deal about having a hot woman carry their child. I apparently used this short-hand to convey all that). But it IS A big DEaL. Now the girl carrying the baby, whose name Is brigid (I told you her name started with “B”) gets shit talked to her in town. She wants to say something, but she’s in a good placd (place, as in, she’s in a good place mentally).

BAD MUSIc

Good looking girl is training a girl on a bike but oh no her damaged boyfriend is there, hanging around, and he scared sully (Sully is the daughter’s name I guess).

Robert (Will Ferrell) is hanging out by the pond and his bot babysitter co;mes and talks to hin. They (Him and Kristen Wiig) lost a chld when she slipped abd fell. He can’t get ove (over) that. He an’t ell anyone except the hot babysitter. They talk and bond

KW friend comes into coffe sho, he noices the other girl (Brigid)

WF and KW talking everhthing fine. Drama. They have to talk. WF walks away. SOMEONE”S GONNA DIE.

RANDOM CHILD COMES INTO TALK TOBRIGID/ WHAT IS she gonnna see? OH SHT. She’ faking th pregnancy. She tells a lot of bullshi to the little kid tht caught her. The little kid belived her  can you belive that?

Here comes WF. He is not okay. Bar scene and I Lov it. WF has sexx with a hooker. I thinik. They got a photogrhaprh. THAT’S NOT BRiGID GIBSON.

Cut to the other people ho think they’e gonn GET AWAY WITH IT. THEY WONT/

WF admkts tl a.lot, but I’m drunk.i guess h slept wth her too. SHES NAMED JONI

“I hate you for endangering our child.” Good point.

Polieman looked dpwm hi tree and found something. (?)

Car chsse imminent. KW friend got out (of the car?). I bet he dies. He’s exploring.

 

Wine Level

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This is where I decided to go to bed for some reason. I can’t fathom why. Must have been sleepy. I won’t leave you hanging though. Here is what I was apparently trying to convey, courtesy of Wikipedia:

Sarah Benson (Kristen Wiig) is a successful organic food vendor. Her husband Robert (Will Ferrell) is a best-selling author and finance guru. They’re also the parents of a one-year-old daughter, and Sarah is pregnant with their second child.

One day, during a gathering with family and friends for Sullys first birthday at their home, fictitious Storm Lake, Sarah gets an urge for Robert to take her on a boat ride on the lake behind their home. Despite Robert’s repeated warnings for Sarah to get off the unsafe dock, she leans against its railing, causing it to break away. She hits her head on the boat as she falls into the water. Robert dives into the water, pulling her to safety and successfully resuscitating her. The resulting trauma from the experience causes Sarah to lose the baby. As a result, they can no longer have children.

Five years later, Robert has become a recluse but has been sober for six months, recovering from an alcohol addiction which began after the loss of his child. He has also become over-protective of their now-six-year old diabetic daughter Sully (Alyvia Alyn Lind). Robert and Sarah plan to adopt an unwanted child, but are not satisfied with any of the birth mothers they have met with. They ultimately decide to house and care for an attractive young woman named Bridgette Gibson (Jessica Lowndes) during the final months of her pregnancy. Robert is currently writing his new book, but is struggling for inspiration.

After Bridgette tells the Bensons that she’s living in a homeless shelter, Robert and Sarah decide to offer her a bedroom they had built onto the house for their child lost during Sarah’s pregnancy until Bridgette gives birth. Bridgette accepts the offer, and then after left alone in her room, she pulls out a magazine with the Bensons on the front cover. She rips the half containing Sarah out of it.

Sully discovers through Bridgette’s cracked bathroom door as she’s showering that her enlarged belly is fake. Bridgette explains to Sully that because of her small and slender build, she was worried that the Bensons wouldn’t believe that she was pregnant. The impressionable youngster accepts this, and agrees to keep this secret from her parents. Another secret is when Bridgette removes the training wheels from Sully’s bike (without Robert’s knowledge or approval) and pushes her down the driveway where she’s almost struck by a car. She steers away from the vehicle and into the path of Dwayne Tisdale (Jake Weary), Bridgette’s tattooed hoodlum boyfriend. Though unhurt, Bridgette persuades Sully to keep this a secret, which she agrees to.

One day, Robert opens the door to Bridgette’s room, where he discovers a copy of one of his books among her belongings. He opens the front cover and recognizes the autograph as his own…to Joni. Robert then realizes that Bridgette is really Joni, a fan whom he slept with while on his last book tour and in the depths of his alcoholism. After Sully turns up missing, Robert and Sarah are questioned by police, who produce a photo of the real Bridgette. After questioning the police, they find out that the so-called Bridgette that was staying with them was after all, a completely different person, Joni.

Bridgette and Dwayne bring Sully back to their cabin across the lake, where Dwayne is led to believe Bridgette is with him on a plot to blackmail Robert in order to get Sully back. But Bridgette, unknown to Dwayne, has an agenda all her own: to kill Sarah and have Robert and Sully for herself. Charlie, an employee of Sarah’s who’s had suspicions of Bridgette, follows her and Dwayne back to the cabin. He is discovered and fatally shot by Dwayne. (I believe this is about where I tapped out)

After Sully begins to feel ill from not having her insulin, Bridgette speeds up her plan and confronts Robert and Sarah. A struggle breaks out and Bridgette shoots Robert in the shoulder moments after she overpowers Sarah, setting her in the driver’s seat of her running car in the garage, making it look like a suicide attempt. Robert regains consciousness after being shot and finds Sarah, quickly moving her to fresh air. He then runs off to find Bridgette.

Bridgette is driving Dwayne’s truck with Sully next to her, when she comes upon Robert standing in the middle of a bridge. She doesn’t stop, and Robert dives out of the way just in time, but Bridgette halts the vehicle and aims her gun at Robert. Sully jumps out of the truck and runs to him. Holding them at gunpoint, Bridgette orders Sully to return to her or she will kill her father. Robert whispers something in Sully’s ear before she turns to make her way back to Bridgette. On her way back to Bridgette, Sully darts to the bridge’s railing and dives off the bridge. Distracted by the act, Bridgette shifts her gaze, allowing Robert to dive off the bridge after his daughter, as Bridgette fires her pistol after them.

Bridgette looks over the railing as Robert and Sully climb into a small boat with an outboard motor, which Robert tries frantically to start . She shouts after him not to make her shoot him again, but as she gets ready to pull the trigger, another shot rings out, with Bridgette sustaining a bullet wound below her right shoulder blade. The shot is from another gun that Bridgette left at the Benson home…now held by Sarah, having regained consciousness and followed her family to their would-be murder scene.

The movie ends with the final scene as being six months later, with the Benson family still intact. Robert and Sarah dance in the kitchen with their daughter.

Now I’m kinda sad I missed most of that. But hey, when you drink a whole jug of Carlo Rossi, there are bound to be consequences. The important thing is that we learn from this and not make the same mistakes going forward. I think we’re all better people for having done this together. So you’re welcome. Next time, I think we’ll take it a little slower (LOOKING AT YOU NONFAT), just enjoy our time together (that’s what BFFs are for after all) substance-free (RIP Druggie Friend), and avoid letting deadly strangers into our lives (The deadly stranger can refer to both “A Deadly Adoption” and allowing hot dogs into our pizza crusts. Whatever. I don’t care. I ran out of double meanings). 

Or I’ll just make sure it’s white wine next time.

 

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