11:40 – Out of all the stories Disney could tell, the one about how we sailed to the new world and murdered a bunch of Native Americans was their top choice.
11:45 – “I’ve seen hundreds of new worlds. What could possibly be different about this one?”
11:46 – C’mon, there has to be at least one fat native. The Chief is about 95 years old and has the body of a linebacker.
11:48 – Pocahontas is friends with a hummingbird and a raccoon. She also just dove at least 1000 feet from the top of a waterfall without dying. It’s like this movie isn’t taking the whole “based on a true story” thing very seriously at all.
11:49 – As with Aladdin, keep in mind that the real life Pocahontas was 12 years old.
11:51 – Pocahontas, who is now just blatantly stealing plot points from Aladdin, also doesn’t want an arranged marriage.
11:51 – In fact, this is essentially the same movie. Pocahontas is the daughter to a chief like Jasmine is daughter to a Sultan. They’re both women. There are songs in the movie. Etcetera.
11:54 – The man Pocahontas would be prearranged to marry, Kocoum, is attractive, successful, and very popular. However, he does die later on. *SPOILER ALERT*
11:55 – Pocahontas goes to talk to Grandmother Willow, a sentient tree. This is the most historically accurate part of the movie.
11:57 – Grandmother Willow tells Pocahontas to listen to the wind. Pocahontas, listening to the wind: “I don’t understand.” Grandmother Willow laughs, tells Pocahontas to spell I CUP next.
11:58 – Pocahontas sees John Smith’s ship and says “I see strange clouds”, apparently not knowing what a cloud or ship is.
12:00 – Cut to some random English guy as he glances at the trees that also exist in Europe, “I’ve never seen anything like it.”
12:02 – Scouting the area, John Smith meets Pocahontas’ raccoon friend and immediately wants to be best friends, but is scared off by the humming bird. Which, okay.
12:03 – Back at the Indian camp, the resident elder/witch doctor cues up a picture of the English settlers and immediately everyone believes them to be heartless murderers that must be destroyed. First off, that’s discrimination. Second off, they should really listen to that elder.
12:07 – The settlers come and cut down a bunch of trees. But really, the trees had it coming.
12:10 – Pocahontas stalks John Smith for a bit, until he feels someone watching him and loads up his rifle. But the situation is diffused when he realizes that Pocahontas is hot.
12:12 – He tracks her down, and even though she was just literally speaking in English to her animal friends, they can’t understand each other. Luckily for him, she does speak THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE.
12:12 – Also, English. Two seconds later.
12:15 – The settlers are randomly digging for gold.
12:16 – The settlers meet the Indians. Obviously their first instinct is to grab their guns and start shooting. Not “Hello”, not “Hey, how was your day?”, not even “Did you cut your hair? It looks nice.”
12:17 – “A man is not a man unless he knows how to shoot.” Or if he has a penis. I learned that in 5th grade.
12:21 – John Smith: “Savage is just a word.”
12:23 – John Smith decides not to shoot a bear. The bear should eat him on principle alone.
12:24 – “Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?” I don’t know, maybe? You’re the one who can’t even understand the wind.
12:24 – “How high does the sycamore tree grow? If you cut it down, then you’ll never know”. 60 to 100 feet. Sometimes larger.
12:24 – All joking aside, “Colors of the Wind” is a fantastic song, and you should feel bad for littering.
12:26 – Rain! That means trouble.
12:27 – Ratcliffe, who’s clearly the villain from the start, is worried about all the gold he hasn’t found, also doesn’t know how you actually find gold.
12:32 – “He has a good soul. And he’s handsome too.” Grandma Willow, you saucy minx.
12:34 – “We don’t have to fight them. There must be a better way. Maybe we should try talking to them.” Pocahontas, with the worst possible plan.
12:42 – Pocahontas and John Smith kiss. Kocoum and the random English guy from earlier watch. Random English guy shoots Kocoum. John Smith is taken prisoner.
12:46 – John Smith: “No matter what happens to me, I’ll always be with you, forever.” They met like, 3 hours ago.
12:48 – Ratcliffe gets everyone to go fight the Indians, the Indians gear up to attack the “pale faces”, and the Englishmen take the highroad by not name calling.
12:48 –“They’re different from us, which means they can’t be trusted.” To take a minute away from the jokes, this is actually quite profound. No matter what your friendly neighborhood racist says, this is really the thought process behind all racism.
12:51 – Everyone’s gearing up for war to lovely song. John Smith is on the block for execution. Pocahontas throws herself in front of him.
12:52 – “I love him, Father.” Historical records..disagree.
12:53 – The chief decides to spare John Smith. He praises Pocahontas and decides to release him, but Ratcliffe shoots John Smith accidentally. Everyone teams up against Ratcliffe.
12:55 – Thomas, the random English guy who now deserves a name (and is also voiced by Christian Bale), leads the revolt against Ratcliffe, and becomes a hero. Everyone forgets about the previous, unprovoked, cold blooded murder.
12:55 – John Smith is about to get sent home to recover from his gunshot, but waits for Pocahontas, who comes to see him. The chief even comes to see him and tells him he’s always welcome.
12;57 – John Smith asks Pocahontas to come with him, and the chief tells her she must choose her own path.
12:58 – Pocahontas decides her place is with her people, and John Smith says he must go back, choosing the 50 day journey back home to get cured because of the notoriously good health care system of 1600s England.
1:00 – Pocahontas and John Smith wave goodbye for a happy ending!
Up Next: Rewatching: The Fox and the Hound